On Wednesday someone poured a can of soda into someone else’s backpack. It took place between 0800 and 1000 that morning. On Thursday, my entire crew was called to attention and given until 1200 for a name, else our 4 days off would instead be 4 days of cleaning the submarine, pier, etc. The backpack was in an open room with lots of computer cubicles. More than a hundred people come through and utilize this room every day, 24 hours a day. There is a significant probability that anyone, including people not on my own crew, could have done this.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. That sounds too logical, I know. And I agree with you because it is logical. That’s why I’ve created this flow chart to illustrate how the United States Navy gets to the bottom of a situation like this.

First off, five different people each went and tried to turm themselves in. The “powers that be” did not believe any of them so the threat of 4 days of cleaning continued all morning. Lesson learned: Even if one were to do something, when one goes to admit to it, no one will believe you anyway so why bother?

And you can forget about the probability of anyone else, say, from a different crew, pulling this little stunt. We know it was one of you. Don’t as us how we know, we just do. And we are always right. So there.

At 1400 we met at the pier and received a lecture on hazing and sexual harassment in the Navy. I can maybe see the hazing part, but dumping Coke in someone’s bag is sexual harassment? What happens if you grab their ass? Is that attempted homicide?

I guess it’s a good think that the Navy has these great flow charts to make sense of it all. You can’t go wrong with a flow chart.

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